It’s probably obvious, but it really hits home in that moment when you are talking with other writers about sex scenes and you realize that folks have very different ideas on what constitutes “good sex.” It’s not about who does what to whom, but how does the reader know that the characters are enjoying themselves.

Asking writers to describe what the female orgasm looks like on the page, and same for the men. There are a lot of different folks out there so we will get a lot of variety in our responses. Could you show someone or use words to describe it accurately?

What is a sensual experience? What exactly makes it sensual? (The senses of course, but what else, what makes it special?) Describing sound, taste, smell, plus of course the visuals and touch can take a lot of time to make it feel accurate.

What is a sexual experience? (Let’s stick to the positive ones for the time being.) I’m also focusing on a partnered experience here, but one does not need a partner for an excellent and arousing scene.

When writing sex scenes stamina, lubrication and vocalization all differ in a wide spectrum. And this isn’t even the wild stuff, just the basics. Though we can also discuss and disagree on what constitutes “the basics.”

That all leads to us asking ourselves, what is a ‘pretty standard sex scene’ to me?

I recently saw a study where an organization was doing a survey to find alternatives for the word ‘horny’ for women. I am all about different and more descriptive words than horny, but it got me thinking, how do I describe it to myself? How would I describe it to others?

One guy I was talking to was discussing the reality of male stamina, how many times and for how long? What reality looks like for one, well, may just be that. Reality for one. Also, he put forth the idea that young men (Legal age of course) were clueless and needed to be ‘taught’. I put forth the idea that everyone starts off clueless, and whether you gain knowledge though research – theoretical or practical, or experience -say trial and error, that as long as you pay attention, listen and care, then you are doing well.

We had very different ideas on what a well intentioned young man was capable of in a scene, much less what one could create. My writer friend doesn’t see the scenes I create as realistic because the guy knows what he is doing and is paying attention to his partner’s reactions. Makes you wonder about all the writers out there and the aspiring writers too. These stories need to be told. Some of them are real and some are fantasy, but there are many variations that should be shared.

Any particular turns of phrase turn YOU on?